I don't know if any of the very few of you who read this blog will care, but I have to "talk" this out. Just for myself. It kind of relates to Mormonism, so whatever. I'm posting it.
I think I'm gay.
I'm going to continue this discussion in list form so I can try to make some sense out of my confusion.
Reasons I think I'm a lesbian:
1. I've never been very interested in boys or dating. When I was younger I thought this was because I was just more mature than my friends. I thought that I just realized there was more to life than being bf/gf for a week or two. When I got older (mind you I'm only 18, so when I say "older" I mean senior year and right out of high school) it became more obvious to me that wanting a relationship wasn't necessarily immature. While getting a boyfriend not being my top priority was fine, not seeing a relationship anywhere in the distant future was not. But I mostly concluded that I was just independent.
2. When I did like boys, I was able to intellectualize it. I used to literally make pro and cons charts for boys and choose who to have a "crush" on. It also seemed like my motivation for liking boys was to fit in and have something to gossip about with my girl friends. As recently as last November at BYU I pretended to be interested in this guy so I could bond with my roommates.
3. I have always thought females were better than males. In every way. Since elementary school I've been confident that girls were generally smarter, pretty, nicer, and more interesting than boys. And growing up Mormon, that's a difficult conclusion to come to. I remember once reading a magazine article about a woman's coming out story where she said "I grew up thinking that all girls wanted to marry girls, but they married boys because they were supposed to do." I thought yes. That's exactly how I feel.
However, I'm not entirely sure, for the following reasons:
1. I've never kissed a boy. Or a girl. While I've had a few quasi-relationships (we both like each other and both know it, we flirt all the time, dance together at dances, but aren't "official"), I've only had one "real" relationship, and it was long-distance. And again, the furthest I've ever gotten was holding hands. And obviously I've never been in any kind of romantic or sexual situation with a girl. So how would I know? It seems like I really don't have enough evidence to draw a conclusion.
2. I could still see enjoying being in a relationship with a guy. He would have to be just right, but I can picture it happening.
3. I've thought about it a lot before (now that might be evidence that I'm gay), but I've always decided that I'm straight. Of course, when I believed in the church I probably wouldn't have been honest with myself. But I've known the church isn't true for about 10 months now, and I've tried to be very open-minded and real. When I first left the church, I basically said, "Hey, Subconscious, It turns out you never really believed in the LDS church. Anything else you wanna tell me? Now's the time. Am I gay? Conservative? Left-handed? I'm listening now. Tell me the truth." And I genuinely thought I was straight. So why am I having a crisis all of a sudden?
Let me just tell you why. On Tuesday (incidentally, National Women's Day), I was watching Oprah with my sister. It was the episode about "teen heartthrobs." I was looking at all the celebrities they were talking about and just couldn't relate with what they were saying. None of the men they were showing looked appealing, but they were supposed to be gorgeous. I'd never obsessed over a male singer or actor like that. Oprah was uniting some women with their celebrity crushes, so I asked my sister who hers would be. "Gene Kelly or Marlon Brando," she said, laughing. "I don't think they'd be able to get them on the show, though. What about you?"
"...Tina Fey." It was seriously the only answer I could come up with. We laughed it off, but inside it finally hit me: I don't view men the same way other girls do. I see things differently. I'm different.
The more time passes, the more I'm pretty sure that I am gay. Which should be fine, except for the following reasons:
1. I JUST GOT OVER A MAJOR LIFE CHANGE/IDENTITY CRISIS. Seriously, do I have to go through this again? Less than a year ago I was a straight Mormon. Why is this happening again?!
2. I the kind of person who likes to be included. I really don't like feeling left out. But unfortunately, I have been for much of my life for various reasons. Being gay would be just another thing to make me different.
3. People will think that's why I left the church. I don't need to tell y'all, but I very seriously thought I was straight when I reached that decision. I reached the verdict that the church wasn't true based on historical reasons. While the churches stance on gays did bother me, it really wasn't the reason I left. But if I suddenly come out, all the TBMs are gonna think "Oh. She's one of those. We don't have to take her opinions seriously anymore." It's like when Mormons assume apostates just wanted to rationalize their sinning. I don't want to be a stereotype. I want people to believe me when I say that I'm sure the church isn't true.
So. You may or may not be wondering why I can't talk to any real people about this. The person I'm closest to and trust the most in the world is my sister. I know she's gay-affirming or whatever even though she's a TBM, but she's said some things recently that make me think that she's not very fond of lesbians specifically. I'm pretty sure she would react weirdly if I told her. I have another close friend with a similar problem. Fine with gay men, but grossed out by lesbians. Whatever. I actually do have a very close friend who is bisexual, but I cannot trust her with a secret. I just can't. Love her to death, but girl can't keep her mouth closed. I have a few more fairly good friends with the same issue. I definitely don't want this getting all around town before I'm ready. My parents are both ok with gays (even though my mom is a TBM), but I don't want to talk to them about it. Certainly not while I'm still deciding. There's no way I'm having an in-depth conversation about my sexual preferences with my parents. And if/when I decide that I am a lesbian, I still feel weird about letting them know. I'm sure they would be supportive, but I'm kind of worried about them being... too supportive. If that makes sense. My mom is the type of person who would "say my DAUGHTER is gay!" to any homophobe who will listen. I just don't want her taking control of this. I hope that makes sense. And, again, the idea of talking to my parents about who I'm sexually attracted to makes me uncomfortable.
So, anyway. There it is. I doubt even a handful of people will read all the way to the end, but if you did, please comment. I'd appreciate some input. But if not it's whatev. Writing it out helped a lot.
