Sweet, Sweet Fruits of Apostacy

I got a paycheck yesterday for the first time in a very long time.  So, as you can imagine, I was super excited when I opened it.  But as I looked at the number, I had this nagging feeling that I was forgetting something.  Like that wasn't the real amount of money.  Taxes were automatically deducted, telling myself I would put some in savings didn't get rid of the feeling... Did I owe someone money? Then it hit me: TITHING.  The last time I had a job, I was Mormon.  Every time I got a paycheck, my mind would automatically subtract 10%.  I didn't even think about keeping that money--it was a given.  Now it's like a bonus not to donate to the GA's income.
Being an apostate is more fun than I thought!

My New Religion (Not Really)

Big news guys--I decided to go vegan!
What does this have to do with Mormonism, you don't ask? Allow me to explain.
I've been thinking about how good I was at being Mormon, and how I had so much self-control keeping the commandments even though I had so little self-control in the rest of my life. So I decided to put my willpower to good use. Tofu is filling the God-shaped hole in my life. I am replacing meat with coffee. Substituting Ghandi for Joseph Smith, if you will.


And don't worry, I'm still Godless. According to a comment I saw on Youtube, "VEGETARIANS ARE SATANIC & THE BIBLE WARNS OF THEM. The forbidding of eating certain foods is an indication of people departing from the Christian faith. (I Timothy 4:1-5) 'In later times some will fall away from the faith, paying attention to deceitful spirits and doctrines of demons, who advocate abstaining from foods which God has created to be gratefully shared in by those who believe & know the truth. For everything created by God is good, & nothing is to be rejected.'"

Logic: One of Satan's Many Weapons

The other day I was talking to a dear (non-LDS) Christian friend of mine.  He knows I don't believe in the church anymore, but he asked me to explain how Mormons believe in the Bible and The Book of Mormon.  Personally, I think that's pretty easy to explain.  I said just said the whole "Jesus also visited the Americas," "gospel for the whole earth," "the two books complement, not contradict," etc.   I was pretty satisfied with my explanation, so I said something along the lines of, "I know it's not true, but it makes sense, right?"  And he said:


"The fact that it's so logical makes me not believe it."



He was dead fucking serious.  I was all "?!" And he tried to sound less insane by saying that a lot of aspects of Christianity are paradoxes.  Those were his words.  I kid not.  So, everything that doesn't make sense is true.  Lorsh help us.



In other illogical news, check out this Facebook post from one of my TBM friends:
"Favorite part of scripture study yesterday: Jazz was reading and Jayden's turn was coming up. I didn't know how much he actually listened before his turn until he says "Oh! I love this part!" and started reading. He's nine years old and all boy and he drives me bonkers, but he strengthened my testimony just by being himself."


Ok, that's cute.  He's smart for a 9-year-old.  Reading level.  I get that.  But "strengthened your testimony"? Just because a kid likes a story doesn't mean that story is true.




End of rant.

He's an RM, So it's All Good.

When an 18-year-old changes her Facebook status to "engaged" to a guy she's been dating for a month, normal people would assume she's kidding.  Mormons, however, will say "Congratulations! Which temple??"


By the way, this girl wasn't kidding.

Meetings and Mexicans

Well.  It wasn't about a calling.  He was just meeting with all the young single adults to make sure we knew about the activities, the singles ward, and institute.  But he made it clear that it was my choice if I wanted to participate in that stuff or not.

So... Since nothing offensive happened, I thought I'd share an offensive tidbit from a bishop's interview I had in my student ward:

Bish: "Where are you from?"
Me: "[State]"
Bish: "Are there a lot of Mexicans there?"
Me: "Um. More than you'd expect, I guess..."
Bish: "Becuase Utah is just OVERRUN with Mexicans.  It's really becoming a problem."

He probably meant illegal immigrants.  Whatev. Enjoy the offense.

Meetin with Bish

I have a meeting with the bishop tomorrow.

And no, it's not about my apostasy. I've been going to church regularly since I moved back home because my mom talked me into being a long-term substitute in Primary.  And the only Mormons who know are my parents, who wouldn't tell him, and my ex-boyfriend, who lives in Provo and has never met my bishop.

So tune in next week to hear what calling I turned down!

Church-Sanctioned Resume Padding

Hey. First of all, I want to apologize yet again for my complete and utter lack of value as a person.  

Now that that's out of the way, I have some stuff to tell y'all that borders on interesting.  I'm finally out of the Church Education System! Yayyyy!  I'm transferring to University of State I Live In in the fall, so in the meantime I'm joining the millions of other sad Americans in job searching.  During my daily hunt yesterday I came across an ad on Craigslist with the job title "Coffee Enthusiast."  Obviously my immediate reaction was this is the fucking job for me.  And, as many exMos will understand, my second thought was damn it they're gonna see where I went to college and not believe me! Luckily, the employer only asked for "a brief description of who you are and why you think you'd be great for what we're looking to do."  I thought I'd share the resulting email with you, my dear nonexistent audience:

I saw your job posting on Craigslist, and I was very excited about the opportunity. My coffee journey is a complicated one, as I began my life as a Mormon. If you didn't already know, Mormons refuse to drink coffee on religious grounds (pun intended if you thought it was funny, let's move on if you didn't). All my life I would be overcome with conflicting emotions when I smelled coffee; part of me wondering if it would be worth eternal damnation to taste that glorious substance, and part of me thinking it smelled like sin. For the first 18 years of my life I somehow subsisted without tasting coffee even once. Then, for reasons that are irrelevant to this narrative, I left the Mormon church. Free at last! Free at last! Praise Elohim almighty, I was free at last! I was finally able to give in to that alluring aroma and know the joy that all my Gentile friends knew. My first sip of The Divine Beverage was like drinking in heaven itself, if heaven were a low-fat caramel macchiato. Suddenly my culture-based pride of coffee-making ignorance was replaced by a distinct desire to become an expert in the subject. It is safe to say that coffee expertise filled the Joseph Smith-shaped hole in my life from that point on. I have since become evangelical about coffee; I just want everyone to be saved through the unconditional love that comes through accepting coffee as your personal saviour. Becoming a part of your business would be a (recent) dream come true for me. I would love to help others come to know of the truthfulness of coffee and its daily influence in our lives.  I am excited to potentially help your customers perfect their coffee consumption and live their lives to the fullest with the help of coffee.

I also have a current Food Handlers Card. 

I'm totes getting that job. Also, I would like to mention the fact that my job search have been assisted, though not completed, by the help of the young women's organization.  I have used being a "camp counselor" (JC at girls camp) and "leader of my youth group" (beehive, mia maid, and laurel class presdients) as volunteer experience when it's relevent.  So suddenly I have mixed feelings about the church.  <---Haha! "Suddenly..." Jokes!

So my questions for you, readers should you choose to exist, are thus:

1.  Why did you read all the way to the end of this post?

2.  Have you ever put a calling on a resume? Is this legal/ethical/effective?

3.  What's your coffee journey?

4.  How can I make 2k/mo working at home? In your answer, please include a sketchy link and spaces before any and all double exclamation points.